Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
