someone threw a dead crab at me
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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