Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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