i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
