So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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