I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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