My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
