they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
