i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
How does it feel to date your dad?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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