And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
