you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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