I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
