There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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