People in love make me want to vomit
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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