I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
