Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
bring money and cleavage
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
