none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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