She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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