I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
