He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize