A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I AM VODKA MAN
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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