Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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