i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
