Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
