I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you inspire me to be a worse person
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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