Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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