a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
