I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
