I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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