Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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