his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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