I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He? As in you personified your dick?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
