biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize