I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
