she woke up with a sticky ear
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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