my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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