i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
