I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
