he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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