He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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