A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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