Your dad touched me again.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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