I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have already put on my inside pants.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
