If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
