Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
