This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
