I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You smell like stripper and shame
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
