dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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