I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
