I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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