Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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