i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
