theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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