hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
