my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
