but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize