just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
