im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just want to make out with him forever
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize