Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
