I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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