is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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