she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
