i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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