2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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