who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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