i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
