ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
